'Lest we forget'. Once a year we focus on the many lives lost in war. Nov 11th is a day we are ''allowed' to focus, reflect and ponder the death of soldiers. I say 'allowed' because largely in our society we are expected to 'move on' when someone close to us dies.
In this mode of 'moving on' , when a situation, person, food or song prompts us to spontaneously think of a lost loved one we tend to shut down the thought and not speak of it for concern that in doing so we scratch old wounds....our own or others.
So we close the door in a way, to everyday thoughts and memories of our lost loved one. And when this closed door is only opened from time to time there comes more fear and concern in doing so ...and this tends to keep the door closed longer .... and harder to open.
I am learning an alternative to this mode through Sarah, and in Mike's blog. This other way involves keeping the door open, to that room in your soul, occupied by that lost loved one.When that door is always open there is a normalcy, a casualness, in looking through that door. This open doorness allows thoughts and memories to pop out, unfiltered.
Eliot and I recently loaded up my truck with bunkbeds for Eliot and Cath's cottage. Eliot said to me teasingly as I opined that we did not need to tie them down further..." These aren't going to fall out are they Neil -chuckly chuckle " in veiled reference to the matress incident involving Mike and I. ( Mattress falling out in the middle of Princees St.)
Sarah will say to Lucas and Emily " Oh Daddy really liked this song ....or this was Daddy's favourite dessert". Looking ahead to Christmas dinner 2011 I know that Mike's name will be mentioned as we all sit giving thanks for our blessings. All these being small examples of keeping Mike's door open.
I have taken this new 'open door' mode into conversation with buddies of mine who have lost their spouses prematurely. A few months ago, Doug, a hockey buddy, was proudly telling me about the upcoming wedding of his daughter. With a bit of uncertainty I went through the open door to his deceased wife Fran's memory and commented that Fran would have been really happy on wedding day. Without missing a beat Doug replied "You bet, we are setting up a memorial to her at the wedding ceremony". Doug was delighted to speak of Fran with me.
The 'open door' can bring tears, but tears and happpiness do go hand in hand.
We all want to be remembered.
Thank you Sarah for showing me a another way.
Love
Dad
Hoping this posts ... no luck with being able to comment this week :)
ReplyDeleteI believe I have said this before .... but it is so worthy of a repeat ... your entry Neil is so true. As a child I lost several important family members (coming from a large family who was very close)and the pain that came from not talking about some of them was so confusing. The family that we could continue to talk about and continue learning about and from was what made things make more sense.
When we lose someone we love - we need to keep them with us ... however and whenever we can :)