Canada Day

Canada Day last year was the first holiday I faced without Mike.

That means July is the first month where I look back last year and see myself without him.  I realize that now I will start to reflect back not only on my life with Mike, but now my time without Mike.  It's a very clear distinction for me.  How I look back and see myself has changed forever.

Canada Day is not a super special holiday in our lives (aside from celebrating our great country, of course)  and is not associated with any long- standing family traditions or rituals, unlike birthdays or anniversaries.  But it is a holiday, nonetheless, with swarms of families spending the day together.  Last year I was still away from work at that time, just 2 weeks after Mike's death.   I can now see what a fog I was in-- not even really seeing anyone in the crowd beyond a hazy buzz of movement.

Joan and Dennis were visiting that weekend, so we went to Grass Creek to see an outdoor play, eat strawberries, and be part of the festivities.  Since we had spent many days at this same place as a family, especially for the Sheep Dog Trials, every step I took that day was with Mike.

I wrote in my journal last year:  ...thoughts of you...sitting with Lucas during the play and saying '(h)eyyyyyy' to cheer;  colouring a place-mat with the kids;  gobbling up berries with cream;  watching the horses (you would say:  'Those are good looking horses');  riding as a family on the wagon ride and you worrying about Emily's safely;  trudging back to the car, carrying Lucas on your back...

The photos I've included are not from Canada Day, but from a visit to Grass Creek later in the summer.   I wasn't yet ready to take photos on Canada Day-- it was just one more thing to face-- the day we took family photos without Mike.   Since Mike's death, I've had to force myself to take pictures.  For me, the photos document my life without Mike.  I see his absence in each photo.  The only photos I feel compelled to take are shots of nature-- trying to capture peace in its beauty-- blue sky, clouds, bare tree branches, birds.

This year, I hope to see more-- more of the crowds, more of myself, and more photos to prove it.