Go Ride a Bike

Photos above:  (July, 2008)  Lucas and Mike lowering the seat, tightening the chain, and adjusting the training wheels for Lucas' first biking experience.  Note the use of eye protection and work gloves for both parties.  Safety first.  Lucas was having fun.  Mike was in heaven.  First attempt on the bike followed quickly by first (minor) crash.

I've thought a lot about Lucas learning to ride his bike.  Then I think about why I am thinking so much.  Why does this simple skill provoke so much emotion?

My mom wrote about Lucas riding his bike on June 13th, in the cemetery.  Watching Lucas was like poetry in motion-- a metaphor that we live.  We move with our grief-- tough riding on bumpy grass-- but we continue because there is joy in the ride.

There are layers to these emotions.  For Lucas to learn this skill, it means someone needs to help out.  Most things I can manage with the kids (it's not always pretty...), but with Emily in tow, this was a tough one.  Mike's void was felt in a very real, practical way.  Thankfully, both Grandad and Papa helped Lucas get his footing on the pedals.  With their gentle guidance, Lucas learned to ride his little bike unassisted in only 2 days (in fairness, one day per grandpa- introduction with Grandad and full mastery with Papa).

Mike loved these kinds of monumental moments and so I also feel Mike's joy in Lucas' success.  I feel more proud and more buoyed than I would if it was just me watching Lucas learn to ride.  I feel the joy for both of us.  With that, I feel the loss of Mike-- and so that joy is also somehow amplified by my sadness.   I have the strange skill of being able to smile and cry at the same time.  I hope I can project all of that joy, from Mike, towards Lucas.

There's a bit of letting go of Lucas, too.  I can see him riding down the street, away from me.  He's making his own decisions- learning how to steer and how to (usually) stop.  I need to trust him just a little more than I did before, as he races towards the end of the street.  I'm trying not to be the mom yelling instructions to him as he navigates down the sidewalk, meandering onto the neighbour's grass, then too close to a naive pedestrian, and finally turning sharply to attempt to hop a curb.  It's hard to watch and yet he's good at it.   Joanne and Mark were visiting recently and witnessed this first hand!   He wants to move ahead and out of sight.  Sorry, I'm not ready for that just yet.

In just a few short weeks, Lucas has already ditched his little green bike for a snazzy purple cruiser from Clare.  It's wheels are bigger so rather than his little legs whirling like a hamster in a wheel, he can pedal, coast, and even stand.  I know Mike would be cheering:  'Go Lucas go!'  and  yelling '(h)eyyyyyyyyyyy' all the way down the street.