Stop Watch

Mike was not a lover of change.  There are many funny stories about him wanting things to stay the same. One I think well illustrates this fact (which Mike recounted to me, laughing in hindsight) is when he moved into his first digs with Brad, Dave, and Jason he painted the room the same colour as his bedroom at home in Toronto:  brown.  He had a brown duvet cover and flannel baby blue sheets... all throughout undergrad and grad school, as far as I can tell from the many photos of friends jumping on his bed...?!  (okay, that's another story altogether...).  I think Brad and Dave can vouch for this truth.

I've never identified with the need to always keep things status quo.  I'm okay with at least some change.  Yet, I have no need for perpetual change, as I know some people do.  I guess I'm somewhere in middle ground.

I've come to recognize since Mike's death, I've got a white-knucked grip on change-- or lack of it.  I can't do it.  I can't make a decision.  I can't even move things around in the house.  If I had a stop watch, I'd press STOP .  (My large kitchen clock has in fact stopped working and a new battery didn't help matters.  That says it all.)

If things change, it means time is passing.  Too much time.  If things don't change, maybe time won't speed ahead, away from the days when Mike was living... when Mike was my healthy, loving, laughing partner.  If things don't change, maybe my memories will be kept more intact, undisturbed, preserved.

Lucas will soon move into the 'office', which was Mike's room-- his special haven.  This room was set-up for his work life-- his doctor life.  To set-up this room and go all-out with a leather chair and stylish desk in the fall of 2010 was to embrace hope-  to hope for the possibility of more years, months, days, hours to use his room.

The office stuff will move into my room-- which requires changing the layout of the room.  Furniture needs to be re-arranged.  We need a new computer, which we have pretty well decided on (don't worry, it will be a Mac).  Another change.

All of this will happen soon, if I give myself a big push.  I know it's all part of the process I need to go through.  Life changes every minute of every day.  I  also know I need to celebrate change-- especially in myself and in Lucas and Emily.  This is what I tell myself.  Change is a good thing.   I'm taking it slow, but some change is just around the corner for us.  With the start of school and the feeling of renewal in September, it's the right time.