Star Gazing

Lucas has been having difficulty falling asleep the last few nights, no doubt related to the amount of candy he has managed to eat from his Hallowe'en stash.   So tonight I resorted to going through a meditation with him, which is kind of my last ditch effort to get him to relax and give in to sleep.  There is no set script, but it includes relaxing into the bed, breathing, tightening/relaxing muscle groups, an imaginary rainbow blanket that is heavy and warm, and thinking of a special happy place to be.  We had our little turtle on, which has a light under the plastic shell, projecting stars onto the bedroom ceiling.  I gave him a few suggestions which he didn't go with.  On his own, he said:  'Papa Michael's farm- star gazing'-- that was going to be his happy place to visualize.

Instead of sleeping, that got us on to a discussion, remembering star-gazing on the farm in November, two years ago.  Lucas wanted to know the exact date, which I can't remember.  But it was most certainly November because Mike was worried we were running out of days warm enough to lay outside and enjoy the stars.   We finally found a free night and halfway to Perth realized it was pretty cloudy.  Minor detail.  Since star-gazing was only part of the reason to go for a visit, we were undeterred.

Yet, a short time after we arrived, the sky did open up--  it seemed as though right above the farm.  It was cold so we all bundled up, wrapped in blankets and body heat.  We were like little sausages, lined up on the barbecue-- Bridget, Aaron, Mickey, Jasper, Mike, Muncle Ichael, Lucas, Emily and I.  I think Coral stayed inside.  Lucas was so tightly wrapped in the blanket, I don't think he could see the stars-- Michael was even worried about whether or not he could breath.  Emily lay beside me, a tiny babe then, tucked between Mike and I.   Though Lucas couldn't see the stars under the blanket, he must have sensed their calm.  We lay quietly talking, looking up.  Lucas and Emily both fell asleep under the open sky.  It was the easiest, most peaceful bedtime of my mom-life.

Later, I took Lucas and Emily inside-- it was cold.  Mike stayed out late, visiting with Aaron.   Mike was exactly where he wanted to be that night.

As I reminded Lucas about being tightly wrapped in a blanket beside Daddy, under the stars, he broke down in tears.  A wave of grief hit him and he felt Mike's loss in that moment, just like we all get hit with these waves.  These memories are so vivid and our loss so great, sometimes it's hard to believe he's not right here with us.  We remember that night as though it were yesterday.  Emily broke our sadness by pretending to grab and then eat the stars on the ceiling-- Lucas and I both laughed hard at her silliness and her innocence.  I think she knew we needed her at that moment, knowing something goofy would stop the tears she didn't understand.