Grief, Guilt, Gratitude

It may be strange to think of the feelings of grief, and guilt, and gratitude all stirred together.   In my grief in losing Mike, while living my 'life in grief', I feel enormous, sometimes overwhelming gratitude for all the support that we have been given.  I feel humbled.  I feel indebted.  I feel guilty.

So many people have offered help to us and I have slowly become better at accepting offers of help in all forms.  And yet I still feel some guilt.  I often think:  Aren't there others who are more in need?  I work with many families that are far less fortunate than I am.  And I don't want to get too good at it either-- this receiving rather than giving role.  I think I'm more comfortable on the giving side of things, but then, that's the person who is able.  I've certainly been 'unable' many times this past year.   Is it natural for some guilt to accompany generosity, when you're always on the receiving end?  How can I tap into my own strengths yet still acknowledge the need for help?  It's been difficult for me to acknowledge (even to myself) the amount of help I do need and that opening myself up to help from others actually requires some strength.  Moreover, it gives me strength.  I can't do this alone.  Who am I kidding?

A recent article published in the Facts and Arguments section of the Globe and Mail was written by a woman whose husband died when she was 35.  She had two young children.  She talked about  how she was supported by her children, her family, her community.  And from each of these sources, she drew her strength.

I went to a talk last year that touched on the concept of turning guilt into gratitude, referencing the teachings of the Buddist monk Thich Nhat Hanh.  When you become mindful of what you have, you become grateful-- for every little thing in life.  You live in the moment.  Rather than feeling guilty (negative to self), you celebrate what you have and feel gratitude.  For me, that is a very meaningful concept that has helped me to sincerely accept the help of others.  I'm thinking of neighbours, friends, colleagues of course, but also family.

One day, I hope to be able to give something to others who have lost-- who are lost.   In time.  That also helps me now, knowing one day I can do more.

My mountain of gratitude extends to so many people.  I sort of visualize this mountain where I climb now and then to survey all of those who surround us.  I still stew about my lack of thank you cards (gosh, I know I need to let this one go, but it's a tough one for me.)  But,  I have slowly learned to gratefully receive, without guilt.  Rather than guilt, I feel very emotional, very touched, at the sentiment, at the generosity bestowed on us.  I'm thinking a big warm hug, not one of those awkward stiff hugs, full of reservation.  I'm also thinking of the 'Tao of Pooh' book, which describes the principles of Taoism-- to flow through life like water in a stream, winding past obstacles, not resisting.  My release of guilt lets my gratitude flow like this stream of water and keeps the flow moving freely in all aspects of my life.  Knowing the vast number of people I have looking out for us, encircling us, is such a positive force that it really does soften my grief.  And for that, I also give thanks.