What I have not spoken about in my postings is the regret that I feel when thinking about the last year of Mike's life. It is easy for to write about the things I remembered most about Mike and the influence he had on me. What is difficult is all of the other emotions that I have experienced during the years leading up to and after Mike's death.
I saw Mike regularly ... I was his sister-in-law ... Because of the day to day regularity of our relationship I took things for granted and left many words unspoken. Activities formed the basis on our interactions and not conversations. We had Sunday dinner together, would take the kids to the park, open Christmas presents, go to the cottage ..
Never once in the last year did I sit down and talk to Mike. In part I was scared to and in part because I always thought there would be another opportunity. During the last 6 months I wanted to let him know that I would be there for Sarah, Emily and Lucas. I wanted to let him know how angry I was at everything. I wanted to ask him how he was able to cope. How Sarah could/would cope. But I didn't. Mike died on June 13th and I last saw him on Friday night - I was stopping by quickly to pick something up ... or drop something off. Mike was having difficulty communicating at that point. I gave him a 'half-hug' smiled and headed out to another activity. I never said goodbye. Never told him how I felt. Never said how very sad I was. Sunday morning Mike died and I didn't get a chance to talk to him.
Good-byes are not like in the movies. I think of those Sunday night dinners as your good-byes with Mike and incredibly, Mike never missed one. Actions speak for those words unsaid, often more loudly, as the saying goes. All of your actions showed us support and love. Mike knew all that you think went unsaid.
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